I GIVE UP!!!

I truly thought that I had the strength to face these conditions, but I don't think I do anymore. I am so sick of fighting and fighting for everything and not getting any results. I am sick of going to doctors or emergency rooms and be told to give it time or try this or try that. NOTHING IS WORKING! I have no life anymore. I can't do barely anything without being in pain that most people will never know.

I HATE CHIARI! I HATE SYRINGOMYELIA! I HATE DEGENERATIVE DISC DISEASE! I HATE SEIZURES! I HATE ALL OF IT! Even though I have been seizure free for over a month now, I still can't get in my car and just go somewhere to be alone. I can't drive for a year after the last episode. I am so sick of feeling alone in all of this. While I have people who care and support me, no one that I actually know in real life knows what I am going through. I have a few internet friends that do but that is all. It is so unfair.

I just want to feel better. I want to be able to do things and have fun. I want to be happy and let me tell you that I am far from it. I don't know how much more of it I can take before I snap. I mean how much is one person supposed to go through before they just give up trying to get answers or feel better. I have accepted that I have these conditions. I know there is no cure. I know it could be worse and I could have something that would leave me with little time to live. I just hate that I feel like I am not living because of all that I am going through.

You try to explain the pain, but it is unexplainable. There is no way for me to get those around me to truly understand how I feel and that kills me. I hold a lot inside because of it. If having these conditions were not enough, I constantly have new issues that pop up that scare me, hurt me, and piss me off. I really just want to be me again. I feel as though I will never be me again. When someone gets to the point where they would try any medicine, undergo any procedure, or do absolutely anything to have even just some relief, I think that at their whits end. I am at that place. I guess I just have to accept the fact that this is my life until the end. I will always be in pain, be numb, have so many body issues, and have to face the sadness and depression that goes along with it.

I know that some people out there won't agree with giving up fighting. I can't help that that is the way I feel. No this is not a statement meaning that I give up on my life. I am not giving up on my family. I just give up on my health. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen and from my experience, there is nothing I can do about that.