Hoping, but not holding my breath.

It's been a long road, and it hasn't even been a year of really dealing with all the conditions I have been diagnosed with. I see the new neurosurgeon from the University of Florida on Monday. I am hopeful, but very nervous. I get my hopes up every time that I am supposed to see a new doctor, and they usually get crushed. I'm not really asking for a whole lot. I just want a doctor to listen, believe me, and do whatever tests or procedures, in hopes that I can be somewhat normal again. We've only had to travel once, and here we are, less than a month later, and doing it again. I don't mind if it's what is best for me, but I am sick of going to all these people for pretty much nothing.

I know there are more problems than they know. I know that they need to be doing more for me to either diagnose or "fix" my issues. I don't see why wanting this is too much. Having to think about "being sick" every second of every day, is exhausting. Trying to fight, raise money and awareness, in hopes that one day something good will happen has been my focus. I have tried to use so much to ignore how I feel, but nothing actually works. The "I'm okays" or the fake smiles are getting old. Just because I don't cry all the time doesn't mean that I don't want to. Just because I give everything I can to hold it back and hide my true feelings, doesn't mean that they aren't there. I know that no one ever thinks that it is going to be them who gets sick. I know I didn't, but I did. Why did it take so long to get diagnosed? Why couldn't they have found all this stuff a long time ago? Before I had my son? Before I had to tell him that I was sorry I couldn't do certain things with or for him?

It truly is exhausting to hold it all together, fight, try to keep up with my family, to try to live a normal life, etc. I'm already so sick of dealing with these conditions. All the doctors, the appointments, the medicines, the worrying about me, and like I said, it hasn't even been a year. I'm 29 years old. I should be able to do the things I want. I should be able to do everything I want with my son and family. I should be able to have a life and do the things I love. You get hit with these things that you thought would never happen, and it's like the rug gets yanked out from under you. There is no need to list every single issue or symptom because I would be going on forever. I just want to be as pain free and symptom free as I can be. Yet again, so much to ask for. I want to be taken seriously. I don't want to have to explain everything over and over again. Why should I have to???