How?

I sit and wonder how things can change so much and get so bad in less than a year? How do you go from having so much hope, getting a diagnosis, having a life altering surgery that you pray is going to help, to feeling like you can't even get out of bed? I'm sick of just being my illness. I am sick of these doctors not knowing much about what I have or not wanting to treat anything but that illness. What about all of the other conditions I have that are causing me so much pain? I know this is my life, and I accept that, but at what point do you give up fighting and fighting and fighting to try to get them to understand and actually do something that truly helps or send you to the doctors you really need to see? I have given up having a better life than what I have right now, but how many doctors appointments or hospital stays does it take before you just say this is it and try to ignore it the best you can?

In less than a year, my life has become something I don't even recognize. I don't even remember at this point what it feels like to feel good. It's not fair, and I know that anyone who is fighting any condition feels the same way. I am fed up with going to doctor after doctor. I hate that no one seems to want to really listen to what I feel inside my body. They aren't the ones living it, I AM. I am the only one who knows how I feel. I am the only one who feels that something is not right, but how do you get them to listen. I was so hopeful. In the beginning, I was actually excited to have brain surgery. I truly believed that it was going to be what I needed. Boy was I wrong.

My insurance could care less about what I am facing. You would think that they would just send me where I need to go instead of wasting money on this doctor and that doctor, here try this medicine, no, let's try this one now. Guess what...YOU ARE IDIOTS!!! Why should it be my job to have to explain to medical professionals what I have? Umm, aren't you the ones who spent all that money and time to become a doctor!?! I'm not going to be all poor me. I am just at the fork in the road where I have to chose between if I want to continue spending all my time at the doctors or suck it up and try to not let anyone know that I am hurting. I have at least 4 conditions and mainly 1 is being "treated". They aren't doing a very good job at it either. I know that what I have is not something that these doctors run into every day, but do some homework. Why is it so difficult to try to figure out what you could do to help me and others like me? I just don't get it. I thought you became a doctor and took an oath to help people.

I hate that I am 29 years old and know that I could quite possibly feel like this for the rest of my life. Sure I have my times where I wonder why I couldn't have been one of the lucky ones. I hate that I have a wheel chair and walker just incase I have another episode of not being able to walk. I hate feeling like I am missing out on my son and family. To hear your son tell you regularly, "When you feel better, you can pick me up again. When you feel better, you can do this or that." In my opinion, it's more unfair to them than it is me.