Today is one of those days, that I am sick of fighting all of these issues. I am strong, and will continue to fight, but some days are harder than others. There is nothing like the days when you are awaken extra early due to one of your problems. Getting up, just knowing how the day is going to be. After waking up, and starting to move around, you realize that it feels like you went back in time a couple months. I haven't used my walker in a while. It's just been sitting there in the corner collecting dust. Once I got moving around, I just thought to myself, "Oh boy, here we go again.".
I got it out, unfolded it, and away I went. I was trying to be as quiet as possible since everyone was still asleep. Of course, they give you the cheapest one possible, that makes the most noise. My hips and legs hurt and I'm feeling just a little off balance today. I hate that walker! I try to avoid it at all costs. All of this just goes along with everything else that seems to be getting worse. I wonder in my mind if there will ever be a day again where I just feel like ME again. I used the walker for a little while, and now I have moved on to just holding things as I walk by. I don't want to become dependent on all this medical equipment. We go to the store and I either have to take my wheelchair, use one of the power carts they have available, or push the buggy. I just get too worn out. When you have "invisible" issues like me, of course you get the stares like, "There is nothing wrong with you.". I hate people that judge. Do you really think that I would be going through all of this if I didn't have to?
My biggest fear is that I will get to the point where I have to use the walker and wheelchair all the time. From the time I wake up, until the time I go to bed. I get tired of telling everyone my speech about how I will do all the things I can until I can't, and that I know what my body can handle. I'm fighting as hard as I can, but I just don't understand why something can't just give. Let me get the surgery. Let me help any of the symptoms that I can. I don't see why this is so hard to get done. I keep being told, "That it is my decision.". I have made my decision. I have made it very clear what I want. Why can't that stupid surgeon just listen???
I found out yesterday that my neurologist didn't even submit a referral to my insurance for the Mayo Clinic, even though they went through all that they did to get me accepted and pretty much handle getting my appointments scheduled. Luckily, I still have a little over a month until my appointments and I see the neurologist on Tuesday. Tricare told me to make sure he put as much detail into it as he could, including why he wanted me to go to that specific place. Fingers crossed that it gets approved. Right now, I feel that is the only hope I have left to get into doctors that have any clue about what is going on. They deal with Chiari and all of my other conditions every day. Maybe, just maybe, they will pinpoint something, even if it is multiple things, about why all of this is happening. Not only that, I am very interested in seeing the Pain Psychologist. I have had depression and anxiety issues for years, that has just become amplified by all of the past couple years' events. Just get me to the point where I can enjoy life, have fun with my family, and do the things I need to be able to. Other than the pain level being lower, THAT IS ALL I AM ASKING FOR.
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