I am so sick of this life. I long for the day where I may actually be pain free for even one day. I think back to my childhood and everything I used to be able to do. I don't even remember what it feels like anymore to not be in pain. Why is it that I just because I hide my pain as well as I can, I must not be in pain? Why is it just because, "I'm not a textbook case.", I can't get people who want to figure it out? I'm sick of faking this smile but what else is there to do. My hope is about down to nothing. If I can't get a special authorization to go to my ALREADY SCHEDULED appointments at the Mayo Clinic, I won't be able to go. They aren't in network so anything our insurance doesn't pay, we would have to, and we don't have that kind of money. The other option that is relatively close, out of network as well. I was so hopeful about all of this. How long do I have to go through not knowing what is going on, changing meds, getting the dosage raised yet the pain is still barely touched, being told that I need a surgery to then be told, after the test to see if it would help actually gave some improvement, that it wouldn't hurt but it wasn't necessary, etc? It's just so unfair. Why should I not be able to enjoy my family? Why should I not be able to do things with my son and create memories with him? Why should it have to be so hard for me to do the smallest things around the house or even rest and still be in the same amount of pain either way?
Tuesday, I had a electric shock and pain feeling go down my entire spine, just like it a pinched nerve, but it didn't radiate. It shot down and stayed. Then, on Wednesday, all the muscles in my neck were locked and all the muscles near my spine hurt so bad that it felt like someone was twisting them like ringing out a wet rag. Yesterday, it was both. The pain was way beyond tolerable. I never consider the hospital anymore because I either get admitted or pushed aside. I knew that I needed to go. My husband is lucky enough that his work knows how hard everything is right now with my health that if I need him or for him to take me to the hospital, he can.
I put on some clean, comfy clothes, and off we went. My mother-in-law is here so I was able to leave my son at home and not have to leave him and my husband sitting somewhere waiting, and actually be able to have my husband with me to support me. We got to the hospital and were walking to the entrance. I remember getting dizzy and sitting down. Out I went, the seizure decided to hit. Sitting down was the last thing I remember. As I was told, I got back up and walked some more and sat down again, another seizure. Some women were on their way to their car and one went and got a wheelchair for me. As I'm sitting on the sidewalk seizing, EMS came and got me inside. I come to and have heart monitors, IV, oxygen, and who knows what else hooked up to me. Didn't know anything. I was also given a sternum rub during one of the 4 seizures, why, I have no clue. The doctor took my Fentanyl patch off, "so it wouldn't make me drowsy", which it doesn't really do in the first place. There goes another day of not having the meds. The patch I had put on fell off so I had to replace it with that one. Down a patch. Then, that one began to fall off so I had it taped on. They did a CT scan and bloodwork. "Everything was fine post-op and they didn't see anything new. My bloodwork came back good." That's what the doc said as he was talking to us, looking around, yawning, checking his pager. He discharged me with info about seizures, non-epileptic, like I didn't already know that. The whole almost 4 hours I was there, I didn't even get so much as a Tylenol or anything for the nausea. What a crock! I didn't want to be admitted. I didn't want to go in just to be a junkie. I wanted to go in and and try to figure out this new issue and maybe have the pain relieved some what.
I got home and put a new patch on and took some nausea meds, fell asleep while my loving husband handled everything to get ready for bed, and moved from the couch to bed. I don't know what else to do at this point. The only doctor I have that fights for me is running out of options. How am I supposed to keep fighting and staying strong when I have nothing happening in a good way? I just don't know. I know we all have our rough times where it is hard to deal with, but this is beyond that. I really think that it's going to take time to regain hope and strength. I'm losing all faith in feeling better and that a doctor will even care how my life is.
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