Why?

Today is one of those days. A day where I wish I didn't know what Chiari Malformation, Syringomyelia, Obstructive Hydrocephalus, Chronic Pain, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc. were. I am getting really close to my breaking point with it all. I am so sick of the run around with all of these doctors and specialists. I don't want to have to travel hours away just to have something done that could've been done where I live. I am pissed that I couldn't go to the doctors, that I truly believe would've been the best for me, that I was supposed to see on Thursday and Friday. I am sick of having to explain what is wrong with me to people, especially medical professionals, because they have no clue what my conditions are. I am sick of looking at all the medicine I take like I'm a pharmacy. I am tired of missing out on doing things with and for my family on my bad days. I am annoyed with all of the limitations that I have to consider. I don't want to hear that another surgeon probably won't do anything for me because I already have one. I am just sick and tired of this life in general.

I feel like I have been stripped of everything. I feel like my life will never be okay again. I know that something is wrong with me, that needs to be fixed, but no one is really listening. Why should my son have to grow up with a mom who can't do some of the things other moms can or that I used to be able to do. I am scared about what it's going to take for them to take me truly seriously. I am sick of being in this amount of pain 24/7.

I do not get why these doctors don't know what to do for me. I don't understand why more people are not aware of these conditions. Why aren't these specialists running more tests? Why aren't they doing procedures that they  are telling me wouldn't hurt? Why does it matter if a doctor is in network or not and you have to jump through hoops, over and over again, just to be able to get to the doctors I feel are what I need? I just long to be the old me, who could go all day and do what I wanted. It's not fair to say the least. I know life isn't fair, but I am really having a tough time right now with it all.

I fight and fight as hard as I can. The problem is, how long do you fight for before you give up and accept that this is it. I am scared to death about what the future holds for me right now. At what point is enough, enough?