I know that some people say that you aren't supposed to question some things because everything happens for a reason. I don't know what I believe that anymore. I want to question, and I want answers. These things that are supposed to happen for a reason to teach us, I call bullshit! I don't see why anyone, especially children should have to live their lives in constant pain. I don't see why we have to go to doctor after doctor and be told there is nothing wrong with us when we know that there is. I don't see why we have to give up doing things that we love, not being able to do all the things we want or need to do because of how we will feel afterwards. I have heard it and said it many times myself that life isn't fair but all of these conditions, illnesses, and diseases are definitely not fair.
So many people take their good health for granted while the people who are sick consider doing whatever it takes to just try to be able to live a normal life. I went from take a couple medications for pain to 8 medications a day, totaling 17 or more pills a day. I had my brain surgery thinking that it would help and boy was I wrong. I will never regret my decision to have it because if I wouldn't have, I would've always wondered if it would've helped. I have gotten to the point where I would probably let them try absolutely anything on me to try to make my situation better.
I know that I am not a bad wife or mother, but that is how I feel anymore. My husband works all day long and has to take care of things around the house and do most of the work with our son. My son is getting the short end of the stick because there are so many things that he wants to do and that I would love to do with him, but I am just unable to most of the time. I hate that I have to spend so much time relaxing to try to avoid things getting worse. My house, to most people, is fine, but to me, IT'S A DISASTER AREA! I wanted to get up and do some work but when your calves hurt so bad from having seizures that you can barely walk, it's kind of hard to do that. Being that it is Halloween and I will do whatever it takes to make my son's life the greatest, I figure I should take it easy so we can go out and enjoy watching him go trick or treating.
All of this has been so difficult. Way more so than I expected. It seems like every time I go to the doctor, something new is added to my plate. The past few months have been such a blur. Things are getting worse and worse by the day. I can handle it taking it's toll on my but it isn't right that it takes it's toll on my family and friends. I hate that my son isn't old enough to fully understand what is wrong with mommy. He gets so heartbroken when we wants me to do something with him and I can't. I try my hardest to not let him see my melt downs or seizures. I try so hard to not scare him. I try so hard to keep his life and routine normal. I try to not to complain to my family or friends because I don't want them to worry too much. There are times I even question telling them when anything happens because they are so far away and I don't want them to feel bad that they can't be here to help. What are you supposed to do though? 24/7 pain, I don't sleep much because I am in so much pain, I feel that my eye sight is getting worse. My right eye feels foggy. I feel like a major melt down is going to happen at any moment. I have to fight and hold back my tears at all times so people don't see me being weak. All I manage to get from the doctors is being told I'm okay or here's another medicine. There has to be a point when things start getting better instead of worse, but I don't foresee that being anytime soon.
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